punkpony

after 2 years of shmoozing, canoodling, and cuddling, teddy and i decided to be parents to the cutest lil' pony in the whole wide world! it wasn't difficult picking her out from the rest of the ponies on the shelf. with shocking pink and baby pink highlights for her mane and tail, with minty green body and pink hooves, she stands out from her fellow pony-mates. she manages to blend punk and innocence into one, hence the name 'PunkPony'. she's initially called Minty, but teddy and i thought that it doesn't do her enough justice. PunkPony was supposed to be a christmas pressie, but since she was bought on our anniversary, she became the anak kesayangan yang akan dimanjakan oleh ibu bapanya heehee. she'll never be deprived of love from us because she's so irresistably comel! :D



love you long time, baby.

i wonder..

whether it is difficult to tell the world that i'm yours?

all i want for christmas is my two front teeth

My Xmas Wishlist

• Onitsuka INJECTOR DX 094
  my favourite color combination is black and gold, and this pair blends the two colors perfectly.

• Baby G Luminous Color Watch
  a fusion of G Shock and Baby G brings forth these fluorescent babies. there're another two in white and yellow but these two have my votes.
  
  

• Chanel Classic Quilted Bag
  it oozes elegance and it's timelessly classic. i know it costs a bomb but i heard there's a chanel inspired bag selling in charles and keith. :)
  





• Casio Casual Combi Timer
  i'm a sucker for anything vintage and gold. :)

• XMAS CUPPACAKES!!
  this is a must have. and when i say it's a must have, i'll cry and rant and throw tantrums like a 5 yo girl. i'm serious.

i am black

I am there when you gaze into the iris of your beloved, I am there when you stare into your victim's eyes before he takes his last breath, I am there when you close your eyes. I blanket the sky when sun is invisible and the stars and moon come out to play. I am the shadow, a dark shape manifested when light falls behind you. Walk in a dark alley and all you see is me. I envelope the colors that you adore, leaving you with nothing in sight. I absorb everything. I am the opposite of white, the contrast of purity, innocence, all things good. I portray melancholy scenes. When a person loses someone dear, I'm there. When a war takes place, I'm amidst the smoke and fumes from the arsenals. When the coffin is closed, I blanket the dead forever. When all hope is lost, I make myself present. I do not bring joy, happiness, faith, serenity, solace, peace, love. I am the symbol of doom. I don the bodies of those grieving at funerals. I am the veil that covers the bereaved wife of the dead. I have also been told that the goths and punks worship me. Those who worship the devil worships me too. They make me proud to be what i am supposed to be.

I am fortunate to be black. People fear me, and they are also in awe of me. They take notice of me and i can't be resisted. I'm everywhere. I do not conceal myself. I am brave to show myself to the world, not afraid of other colors and how flamboyant they can be. Wherever I spread, I see bodies curl and retreat to a corner, eyes shut, heartbeats quicken, cold sweat trickles. I do not mean to strike fear into their hearts, but maybe my presence is too overwhelming to be handled by these cowards. I feel wonderful though, to have such power over them. I feel victorious to cover a surface with my being. Life begins and returns with me. Before birth I was there. After death I will be there. Only life is illuminated with colors, yet I have ever failed to make my presence known. I am omnipresent.

How do you describe to someone who has never seen me? I feel like crude oil between your fingertips. I taste like a smooth salty mixture. If you smell me, I have the scent of blood. If I were an animal, I would be wolf watching your every move.

I am solo. No other shades can depict me as well as I depict myself. There is only one black. Monochrome is my middle name. It may be difficult to describe other colors to a man who has been blind since birth, because I am what he sees all the time. I have swallowed his ability to perceive life in color, and I am not ashamed of that. Because I am all he sees, I have heightened his senses to see, hear, touch and smell. For that, the blind should be forever grateful to me.

I will continue to exist for eternity. When all colors fade, I will still be around till the end of time. Where else can i possibly be but here, there, and everywhere? Try as hard as you can to deny my existence, but the truth is I will be there as you close your eyes and take your last breath. I am, after all the Death's best friend. I am Black.

blocked

i have so much to say, so much to spill, so much to write, but all i could ever mouth or type is this - silence.

Si Se Puede

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.
Yes we can.
It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.
Yes we can. Yes we can.
It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shoresand pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.
Yes we can. Yes we can.
It was the call of workers who organized;women who reached for the ballots;
a President who chose the moon as our new frontier;
and a King who took us to the mountain-top and pointed the way to the Promised Land.
Yes we can to justice and equality.(yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can…)

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can repair this world.
Yes we can. Si Se Puede
(yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can…)

We know the battle ahead will be long,but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way,
nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.
We want change!
(We want change! We want change! We want change…)

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant.
We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check.
We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.
But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.
We want change!
(We want change! I want change! We want change! I want change…)

The hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA;
we will remember that there is something happening in America;
that we are not as divided as our politics suggests;that we are one people;
we are one nation;
and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America’s story with three words that will ring from coast to coast;
from sea to shining sea - Yes. We. Can.(yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can…)

-courtesy of barack obama & will.i.am-

A beacon of hope in the darkest of hours.

innocent? i think not.

i only have to say this: find the chip of wood stuck in your eye before you tell me about the speck of dust caught in mine, sweetie.

part-time lover and full-time friend

A few days ago i was talking to a buddy of mine who has been with his girl for 5 years. To me, being with someone for that long is an accomplishment, so I asked what was the secret ingredient that kept them going strong for years. He said instead of treating her as his beloved, he treats her like a best friend instead, with a touch of romance interlaced. A good relationship, according to him is not one that is made up of two great lovers, but of two best friends instead. Then it struck me. My relationship did not work out because we skipped the 'being good friends' part and jumped straigh onto the lovers' bandwagon. We did not take time to know each other in and out, to know each other's likes and dislikes, to know what the other is made of. So along the path down the road of being together, as each other's imperfection arises, the bond of the relationship loosens. It is difficult as a partner to accept the other person's shortcomings, and instead of talking about it and compromising like what friends would do, we push it deep down, bury it and hope it doesn't surface. But most of the time it does make its way up again. And that is when 'I'm sorry' is not enough and the relationship ends. That is when it is too late to mend anything because you are already tainted in your partner's eyes and there's nothing you can do to mend it. So be a part-time lover and a full-time friend. Be someone who your partner can rely on and embrace who he or she really is. It doesn't matter how imperfect you are, because to him or her you are perfect enough. :)

kesilapan

apologies unaccepted. words said but unheard. guilt plead but unforgiven. bodies present but minds unacknowledged. songs played but lyrics mute. tears shed but hearts numb. you're here. i'm here. we've flawed and hurt, in many ways. you're tired of it all. you don't wish to talk about it. you don't wish to quarrel. and you don't wish to ever meet me, because that's the best path we could take. if that's what you want, then that's what you'll get. i surrender.

it's raining as i'm writing this. i guess even the gods understand what we've gone through, and pitied us.

of cotton candies and mcflurry

if i could have one wish, just one wish, it would be to go back to my childhood era. when life was all about barbie dolls, lego, paddlepop, crayola, rota, carebears, sesame street, rainbow swirled lollipops and everything kiddo. life was easy as A B C and 1 2 3. i could eat, play and sleep as much as i wanted to, without being judged. because i am a kid, i could get away with anything by just pursing my lips and showing puppy eyes. life was easy to live back then. no complications. no worries. and most of all, no heartbreaks.

rejected

Although your extra-curricular activities and qualifications are impressive, the competition has been very keen and we regret to inform you that we will not be offering the scholarship to you.




Yet another reminder of how big of a failure i am.

au revoir

goodbye my love

sempurna - andra and the backbone

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu
Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

ke mana insan sempurnaku menghilangkan diri?

elephant glue

i have to move on, sooner or later. too bad there's glue underneath my feet so i can't go anywhere. and i don want to rip the skin off my feet. so too bad, i'm here to stay.

roller coaster

life with you was no doubt a roller coaster. from the moment we got into the seats and buckled ourselves in, i knew it was gonna be the best ride ever. our hearts were beating so fast and hard that if you put microphones inside them they could be heard loud and clear. we looked at the track. there were loops, big and small, and the drops were so high up. imagining it was enough to give us goosebumps. i knew you were having them cause i ran my fngers up and down your arm, tracing the miniscule bumps as i comforted you. you were never a fan of thrill rides but you insisted on riding along for you didnt want a stranger sitting next to me sharing my joy for roller coasters. the operator then pressed the green button and the alarm went off. the ride was about to begin. the train slowly made its way up the track. as it climbed up, we clenched the bars tightly, your hand on mine. you looked at me and gave me a little peck on the cheek. blood rushed to my face and immediately kept me warm for the weather was chilly. finally we reached the peak. there was a momentary pause. without a warning, the train dove down with great speed and shot back up again. it was a whirlwind moment from then onwards. we went up, down, swerved to both left and right, upside down as the car rolled through the tracks with great momentum. we were screaming our heads off. i turned to you and noticed that you looked nauseous. you were going to throw up any minute but instead you held it in. it was clear that you didnt enjoy the ride one bit and couldnt wait to get off it. i didn't understand how u could not have possibly have fun. it was so exhilirating and i didn't want it to stop. but unlike a circle, the ride has to come to an end. when it halted and the bars went up, you sped out of your seat and made your way to the closest toilet and threw your guts out. i knew very well that you wouldn't want to get on the ride again but i asked anyway. you just gave me a cold stare and walked off. i just stood there, hoping that you would turn back and join me on the ride again. but you never turned back.

p.s. do come back, please

edited:
night fell. the park was about to shut its doors. you were nowhere to be seen. it was then i knew that you were never coming back, for me or the roller coaster.

hallelujah!!

god must have felt what i've felt when i didn't catch switchfoot and incubus in concert, because in august he's bringing jared leto in town!! my blue-eyed hunk is gonna be hosting the mtv asia awards in genting. and this time i'm not gonna miss it for anything else. teeheehee!!

good theory there, sherlock!

sometimes, when exams get the best of me, what's left is the whacked up, nonsensical talking, looney me. yesterday e and i were chatting when she suddenly said that she misses bf-gf activities, even more when night falls. to which i replied, 'you miss it more cause it's dark kua'. makes sense innit?

PANG! SQUIRT! POOF!

your warmth embraced every inch of me. it was a cold blistering night and cuddling next to you felt so good. i didnt wanna leave, but i had to. i had other obligations to meet. so with reluctance i gently pushed your arm aside, sat up and stretched. one arm to the left, and the other to the right. as i lifted my right one, the fan oscillating at the speed of five hit the back of my hand. a strange feeling took over. my hand went numb and it felt like it was never a part of my body. you woke up to the sound of the blade hitting my hand and switched the light on. it was then i noticed the thick crimson liquid trickling down my pinky. the cut looked deep with black stain circling it. startled, i jumped from my bunk and into the toilet. i washed the stain away. the water was lightly coloured with the crimson liquid that was continuously trickling from the cut. for a good 30 seconds i bled. my vision slowly blurred. before i knew it, a black canvas covered me. i knew that i was passing out, as i could hear you calling out for me, telling me to hold on. i was tempted to go deeper into the black hole, but my mind resisted. it was so much easier to fall and lose myself. but i could feel you holding me tight, not wanting me to delve deeper into the darkness. the ongoing battle between the mind and the body tired me. cold sweat secreted from every pore. finally, my mind gave a little shove and my body surrendered. i slowly regained consciousness. the blurred outline of your face sharpened with every second. i could make out that your fear-stricken face was replaced with a relieved one. i gave a little smile to show you that i was alright. you gave me a tight hug and whispered, 'don't you ever leave me.' i nodded.

me, a die-hard disney fan?

i was on a disney frenzy the past couple of weeks. started watching every disney cartoon that has a pretty girl and a pretty boy in it. so that would be little mermaid, sleeping beauty, cinderella, mulan, and aladdin. i didn't watch snow white because it bores the bones out of me. since it took a while for the movies to stream, i'd let it load, go to class, come back, make myself a cup of milo, and unleash the budak kecik in me. i'd squeal in delight when i watch my favourite scenes, especially the one in sleeping beauty where the fairy godmothers prepare a small party for aurora who's turning sixteen. the pink and blue sparks shooting out from flora's and merryweather's wands got me all excited and i'd bob my head to the song. another favourite scene is from cinderella, where her fairy godma gave her a makeover. beepity-boppity-boo! pumpkin turns to a beautiful carriage, mice into horses, and cinderella into a gorgeous maiden. come to think of it, i really miss my childhood years. i didn't have to worry about anything and i can wear dresses with pretty lace trimmings everyday. and i wouldn't be judged for watching cartoons. seriously, whoever who says cartoons are childish is a total nitwit.

shayne ward makes me superficial

yes he does. i'm not goin to put that into details because i feel pathetically lame and cheesy like a budding teenager who's in love with bsb in 1998. all i wanna say is he makes me want the bf to feel breathless when he's with me. -.-'

saving my money for the jaredletos of this world

i'm going to save up every penny i have in case any of my drop dead gorgeous bands come to play in malaysia. i've already missed jon foreman of switchfoot and brandon boyde of incubus. i am not gonna miss anyone else coming to perform again. i am not going to be tempted to shop. so pretty pretty please with a lil' sugar on the top, do not ask me out on a shopping spree. you know i can't resist it. thank you very muchos.

damn sui

i'm a walking wreck. in this week itself, i had a big bruise on my arm, four massive mosquito bites on my lower back, and to top it off, i fell this morning. now i have a pair of torn, grey, skinny corduroy jeans which i love so very much and an ugly wound on my knee. oh isn't life a bed of roses? i wonder what's gonna happen tomorrow. maybe i'll be hit by a car on the way to campus. who knows.

bobby's back!

bobby's back but i miss shorty. shorty makes me look sharp while bobby makes me look like a round mushroom. but everyone loves bobby more. so bobby it is. bobby better grow fast so i'll look like a sexy mushroom.

porcelain ballerina doll

i feel like a porcelain ballerina doll who is waiting for her tin soldier to dance with her, but he is too obsessed with the jane-in-the-box. he winds up the box, and watches her pop out. he does it again, and again, and again. i am completely forgotten. i want to call out to him, let him know that i am there. but i am a porcelain doll. everything's rock hard, except for my heart. it beats for him. i can't move my lips. so i just resort to standing there and watch the both of them have a splendid time. i inch closer to him, he doesn't notice me for he is too awestruck by the jane-in-the-box. i look up at her face. her makeup is shrewdly done, as though her maker was in a rush to sell her off. she is not a beauty, yet she has the power to encapture my tin soldier. night falls. darkness blankets herself outside the window, with a tinge of light from the moon. then the fireplace lights up. all of a sudden the room is filled with a shade of tangerine and warmth. the fire crackles and grows bigger. i feel a burning rage to throw jane-in-the-box into the fire, but she is bigger than me ten times. i have not the strength to push her in, yet i know that it is the only way to get my tin soldier back. i push her closer to the edge of the table, closer to watching her fall into the inferno. she realises that she is being pushed. jane's gigantic hands then reaches down, scoops me up and hurls me to the hard, cold, marble floor. i shatter into a million pieces. all that's left of me is pale shades of beige, pink and blue powder. the tin soldier is oblivious of my absence and continues playing with jane-in-the-box.

the emo guys and tolerant girls

no i did not get the title wrong. guys=emo and girls=tolerant. just to clarify that i did not get it mixed up. yes my dears, the once pumped up testosterone species who were patient are now being unbearably emotional and not to forget, sensitive. every lil' misunderstanding will take a 360 degree turn into the biggest catastrophe ever! its like a nuclear reaction, you see. nuclear bombs are small yet the impact is felt millions of miles away. too much hyperbole but you get what i mean. these macho males will not, in under any circumstances, have their ego bruised, not even from their close ones. once you pass an offensive joke(a joke is something said or done to provoke laughter or cause amusement, no serious elements in it whatsoever), seek shelter! the offended will be very very angry and unless you want to feel his wrath, stay away. hell hath no fury like a MAN scorned.

so what about the girlfriends of these people? if we're patient, we put up with it. if we're not, pack our bags and leave. however, most of us usually stay behind and bear with it. such loyal girlsfriends. *pats back* in my opinion, we're the guys and they the girls. because once upon a time, the girls were the ones who would rant and sulk and the guys would comfort and pester them. now the tasks have switched hands. the girls comfort the guys instead! a very discomforting scenario indeed. seems like the girls aren't the only ones pumped with oestrogens. curse the chickens injected with growth hormones!

mushymushylove

i used to loathe lovey dovey people. they would send messages on friendster or facebook which are soaked with terms of endearments and redundant 'i love you' confessions to each other which makes me roll my eyes and belch in disgust. yeah we know you both love each other to bits but puh-leese do not pour them out in public. and to top this is public affection.hugs from the back, kisses all over, hands on places you can never imagine, irk me to the max. HOWEVER, seeing these people now fills me with jealousy. i envy them because they love each other to bits and they want the whole world to know it. i miss being affectionate. i'm not lacking affection per se, but i'm lacking the feeling of it. actions of affection aren't complete if it is without meaning and sincerity. i do not get the butterflies in my stomach anymore, nor does my heart beat fast. i miss biting my lip trying to stop the giggles from feeling ticklish. i'm not saying that i want to display my love publicly, but i want to feel that love being reciprocated. i do not want to feel void and empty. i want to be loved in return. sigh.

oh love, the painful love

We were moving along fine, until three months ago. Three months ago, i made a mistake that was compelling, that was unforgivable to you. Filled with deep shameful remorse i was, and you filled with insurmountable disappointment. I apologised time and time again, and you said that it was going to be difficult to let it go, that it was something you have told me not to do if i love you dearly. Both yours and mine shattered to pieces, knowing that we would never be able to mend it, like a beautiful flawless porcelain doll that was smashed into pieces and beyond repair. But i never gave up. You sounded cold and distant with a tinge of hatred in your voice when we talked it out, but i undestood the catalyst, the reason to that behaviour which was so unlike you. I fought hard, to mend you, to mend us, to mend everything. With shaking hands i tried to put the pieces back together. Time passed and you forgave me, but you said things will never be how it was. As for me, i thought forgiveness from you would suffice to keep us close. And so i lived with an illusion that we were perfectly fine, that you were mine and i was yours although the bind wasn't there. The illusion was a deceitful one, blinding me from the fact that you were still haunted by the past. I moved on, but you stayed at the point where we were three months ago. Stagnant and paralysed you were. It wasn't soon before long when i realised that you were left behind, that i was living in a mirage of a perfect you and me. I came back to get you, but you wouldn't budge a single inch from that spot. You just stood there, looking at me with those sad, woeful eyes. Then i knew that you were never ready to move on. You were scarred badly and the scars will be there permanently. I then held your hand, fingers intertwined and whispered that i will wait for you to heal, no matter how long it takes. You grasped my hand tighter and your face broke into a slight smile. It was then that i knew there was still a scintilla of hope in us.

i saw....

...a better version of me today. *gulp*

the art of balance not learned

a new element comes in. it's no more in equilibrium, out of balance. i pushed the scale back and forth, to find the new balance point. but no matter how far to the right or to the left i push the scale, i just can't seem to equalise both sides. one will always be heavier than the other. i tried numerous times in dismay, until it dismantled. fuck why can't i balance it without breaking anything along the way?

you'll always have more of me, i less of you

happily ever after: complete bollocks?

.....and they all lived happily ever after. that's how every fairytale which involves a damsel in distress and a hot, sexy, yummylicious prince charming ends. damsel will on purpose or accidentally land herself in a life or death scenario, prince charming will then rescue her from the mouth of Death on his noble steed. they will ride off into the sunset on his stallion, knowing very well that life is gonna be oh-so-perfect and oh-so-splendid for them. she with him forever, he with her forever. nothing will ever separate the conjoined-at-the-heart couple. what about problems, fights, arguments, divorce? oh no dear, there wouldn't be such a thing. remember the happily ever after ending? yes, such a blissful life the damsel-turned princess and prince charming has. starting to feel envious aren't you?

even i feel envious of this couple. to live in such perfection is a blessing. flawlessly beautiful. but hey, we ain't living in far far away land. we are stuck in this effing sadistic, stark, evil place called reality. in reality every negativity exists. you name it, we got it. i'm not going to list them because you know them by heart already. to say that life has always been a big, plush bed of roses is a blasphemy to life. everyone is doomed to face trials and tribulations, big or small. so tell me how are we supposed to get a happily ever after?

so since we can't get our happily ever after, why in the first place did this phrase even exist? to make us wallow in jealousy that we just can't have a happy ending? to amplify the contrast between the facets of illusion and reality? or to simply give us hope that life can be how you want it to be? hope. a four-letter word which brings light into life when it's dark. without this word we'd have plunge deep into the abyss of doom and never get out of it.

soooo, i guess fairytales exist for a sole reason: to be our beacon of hope in shitty times. we may not have a loverly ending like cinderella, snow white or sleeping beauty did, but for me it would suffice to have a few happy moments with him than nothing at all. :)

virgin no more

after much contemplation, consideration and conversations, i've finally decided to store my thoughts and rants here, instead of congesting my already congested brains with them. yes i know that we only maximise a meagre, pathetic 10% of our brain capacity, but for me that is painfully and excruciatingly difficult. so much for wanting to be an einstein wanna-be. hmmph.

my blog will remain inconspicuous and unknown to many, as my posts are personally personal and privately private. don't see the point in commercialising your blog to gain empathy or sympathy from public. total lameness. it's like allowing horny guys to pry between a desperate-I-wanna-get-laid woman's wide spread legs. shame on you!

so with this post my blog is deflowered, figuratively. i am not so crazily, mentally insane to hump my lappie. ugh.