5 months

it has been 5 months since i've written an entry. 5 blissful months with you. 5 months of playful teases and flirtatious jokes. 5 months of endless passionate kisses and exchange of body warmth. 5 months of love notes. 5 months of not knowing what's to come. 5 months of doubt seeping its way through. 5 months of skepticism wrapped around us. 5 months till our love drowned in a pool of sorrow. 5 months till we realised we were just fooling ourselves that we could make it through 5 decades or more. 5 months till we realised the end was when we started two and a half years ago.

What Sarah Said by Death Cab For Cutie

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself'

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?


It has never struck me that there would come a time where the one you love leaves you behind, with only memories left to remind you of the person. And when the person heave its last breath, you're left alone. Truthfully, I do not want to be the one watching my loved one die. It's selfish, but I would rather be the one on the death bed instead. It's less painful that way.

punkpony

after 2 years of shmoozing, canoodling, and cuddling, teddy and i decided to be parents to the cutest lil' pony in the whole wide world! it wasn't difficult picking her out from the rest of the ponies on the shelf. with shocking pink and baby pink highlights for her mane and tail, with minty green body and pink hooves, she stands out from her fellow pony-mates. she manages to blend punk and innocence into one, hence the name 'PunkPony'. she's initially called Minty, but teddy and i thought that it doesn't do her enough justice. PunkPony was supposed to be a christmas pressie, but since she was bought on our anniversary, she became the anak kesayangan yang akan dimanjakan oleh ibu bapanya heehee. she'll never be deprived of love from us because she's so irresistably comel! :D



love you long time, baby.

i wonder..

whether it is difficult to tell the world that i'm yours?

all i want for christmas is my two front teeth

My Xmas Wishlist

• Onitsuka INJECTOR DX 094
  my favourite color combination is black and gold, and this pair blends the two colors perfectly.

• Baby G Luminous Color Watch
  a fusion of G Shock and Baby G brings forth these fluorescent babies. there're another two in white and yellow but these two have my votes.
  
  

• Chanel Classic Quilted Bag
  it oozes elegance and it's timelessly classic. i know it costs a bomb but i heard there's a chanel inspired bag selling in charles and keith. :)
  





• Casio Casual Combi Timer
  i'm a sucker for anything vintage and gold. :)

• XMAS CUPPACAKES!!
  this is a must have. and when i say it's a must have, i'll cry and rant and throw tantrums like a 5 yo girl. i'm serious.

i am black

I am there when you gaze into the iris of your beloved, I am there when you stare into your victim's eyes before he takes his last breath, I am there when you close your eyes. I blanket the sky when sun is invisible and the stars and moon come out to play. I am the shadow, a dark shape manifested when light falls behind you. Walk in a dark alley and all you see is me. I envelope the colors that you adore, leaving you with nothing in sight. I absorb everything. I am the opposite of white, the contrast of purity, innocence, all things good. I portray melancholy scenes. When a person loses someone dear, I'm there. When a war takes place, I'm amidst the smoke and fumes from the arsenals. When the coffin is closed, I blanket the dead forever. When all hope is lost, I make myself present. I do not bring joy, happiness, faith, serenity, solace, peace, love. I am the symbol of doom. I don the bodies of those grieving at funerals. I am the veil that covers the bereaved wife of the dead. I have also been told that the goths and punks worship me. Those who worship the devil worships me too. They make me proud to be what i am supposed to be.

I am fortunate to be black. People fear me, and they are also in awe of me. They take notice of me and i can't be resisted. I'm everywhere. I do not conceal myself. I am brave to show myself to the world, not afraid of other colors and how flamboyant they can be. Wherever I spread, I see bodies curl and retreat to a corner, eyes shut, heartbeats quicken, cold sweat trickles. I do not mean to strike fear into their hearts, but maybe my presence is too overwhelming to be handled by these cowards. I feel wonderful though, to have such power over them. I feel victorious to cover a surface with my being. Life begins and returns with me. Before birth I was there. After death I will be there. Only life is illuminated with colors, yet I have ever failed to make my presence known. I am omnipresent.

How do you describe to someone who has never seen me? I feel like crude oil between your fingertips. I taste like a smooth salty mixture. If you smell me, I have the scent of blood. If I were an animal, I would be wolf watching your every move.

I am solo. No other shades can depict me as well as I depict myself. There is only one black. Monochrome is my middle name. It may be difficult to describe other colors to a man who has been blind since birth, because I am what he sees all the time. I have swallowed his ability to perceive life in color, and I am not ashamed of that. Because I am all he sees, I have heightened his senses to see, hear, touch and smell. For that, the blind should be forever grateful to me.

I will continue to exist for eternity. When all colors fade, I will still be around till the end of time. Where else can i possibly be but here, there, and everywhere? Try as hard as you can to deny my existence, but the truth is I will be there as you close your eyes and take your last breath. I am, after all the Death's best friend. I am Black.

blocked

i have so much to say, so much to spill, so much to write, but all i could ever mouth or type is this - silence.